You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
