I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
