Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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