you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Houston, we have a squirter
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
