Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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