Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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