I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
