I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
