so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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