So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
