No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we're making bets on your personal life
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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