this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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