toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
