He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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