I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
