Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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