some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
