i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
