I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
