I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
