headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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