I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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