Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
