I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am available for nakedness
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
