SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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