I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
