Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
