So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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