the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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