I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
