Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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