Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
