So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't turn off my feet"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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