I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
