Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
