rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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