I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
