my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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