Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
