Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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