I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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