if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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