Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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