You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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