youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
