i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just invented taco cereal.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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