just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
