Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
