guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
