Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
